explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
