my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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