Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
