I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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