I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
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