Just took my morning after pill in the library
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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