I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
