A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
