last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
There's always time for handjobs
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Let's get the cat blown out
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
