Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Less talking, more tequila
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize