I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Four minutes until I can fart!
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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