I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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