there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
