having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I came so hard my ears popped.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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