I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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