Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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