I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
