If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
You don't make any sense
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