what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize