In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Randomize
