the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
