If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
