Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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