So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
