if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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