Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
