How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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