i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
