did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
My brain says no but my pants say off.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
