i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Randomize