The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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