I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Randomize
