god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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