I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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