I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
