don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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