What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
