Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
