She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
