didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize