I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
