My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
