I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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