I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
