So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
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