hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
