i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
