i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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