I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Randomize
