it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Randomize
