I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
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