Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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