just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
