Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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