ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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