And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
