I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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