I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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