I wish I could punch you in the face.
Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
